Patent: Body Mounted Sail Assembly

Patent Number/Filing Date: 5,713,603 February 3, 1998

So, you’re roller skating or regular skating along and you hit a speed bump and get a bit of a lift. Naturally, you imagine what it would be like to get some real lift or maybe go off a plank and fly for a bit. Well, maybe you don’t, but the inventor of this patent did with this rather complex looking apparatus of sails and levers, meant to let you get more lift when you go over bump or off ramps. Shaped like rough wings or sails, the main part of the apparatus is geared to giving you lift while you jump and speed up.

Patent: Ski Fan

Patent Number/Filing Date: 4,189,019 February 19, 1980

Who says skiing has to be difficult? With this apparatus you can use a gas powered fan to cross country ski or skate without actually doing any work-why exercise if you don’t have to? This invention was created to make skiing or skating gas powered via a massive fan which you wear in a harness on your back. You can then control which direction you’re going in with bars attached to the fan which turns as you control it, turning you.

Patent: Exercising Device (Using Your Teeth)

Patent Number/Filing Date: 1,466,559 March 29, 1921

Feeling buff exercising your arms and legs and back and everywhere else you thought possible? Want to exercise more of yourself? Exercise your mouth and teeth! After all, in today’s modern world, food is often cooked so much that it doesn’t require a lot of chewing, so your mouth doesn’t get a lot of exercise, leading to underdeveloped jaws and teeth.

So claimed the inventor of this, er, exercise apparatus. This device is made with a plate that has indentations for teeth and then a stretchy cord which can be attached to a wall or another plate so you can play teeth tug of war with someone else interested in exercising their mouth. Then, with short jerks, you produce strain which strengthens your teeth and jaw.

Patent: Banana Protective Device

Patent number/filing date: 6,612,440 B1 September 2, 2003

There is nothing more tragic than a bruised banana. (Well there is, but there’s nothing that can be done about those things.) If you want to prevent this fruit related sorrow, then you’ll be happy to know that there is a banana protective device patent. This device is built to carefully cushion your banana against bruises and wearing while you’re taking it from home to work or school or wherever you take your banana. The device utilizes a hard cover that opens in half to hold the banana and then padding inside the case to protect the fruit.

Patent: Apparatus for Inhibiting Digit Sucking

Patent number/filing date: 4,665,907 May 19 1987

Breaking a child’s habit of thumb sucking is stressful on both the parent and the child alike and there have been numerous things and methods given in order to more easily break the habit. However, none of them have come close to this device. The apparatus for inhibiting digit sucking is a system of rings and tabs which go around the wrist and around the finger you want to keep out of your child’s mouth. These rings are meant to make it very uncomfortable for your child to suck a finger so that he or she will stop. It’s also supposed to be an improvement on earlier, similar devices which were more like gloves and harder to wear.

Patent: Slot Machine Shaped Toaster

Patent number/filing date: US D545,112 S June 26 2007

For all the gamblers and lovers of slots, there is a way to bring the casino to your kitchen: a slot machine shaped toaster. Although the toaster itself is nothing new, the design of the slot machine allows you to bring the glitz and glamour of Vegas into your own breakfast table. The toaster works with bread, bagels, and waffles and you can decide whether you want it to be light, medium or dark and then pull down the slots with a slot reel handle, watch the slots light up in the choice you made and thus have Vegas on your counter.

Patent: Fork that Tells You When to Stop Eating

Patented 1995

Are you having trouble keeping yourself from eating too much? Then this fork was made with you in mind. Once again, it’s the thought that counts. This fork features an alarm which tells you when to pause before taking another bite. It’s meant to limit people from gulping down their food and as a weight loss aid because it has been shown that slower eating leads to eating less and thus losing weight. However, it seems far more likely that between the stress of the diet and the stress of a stupid alarm, this fork will see the bottom of a garbage pail before too long. Nice try inventors.

Patent: Frameless Glasses Attaching to Body Piercing Studs

Patented 2002

It’s the thought that counts behind this patent that is meant to remove the need for glasses which hook around your ears (and thus can be lost or look geeky, or whatever your issue is with glasses) and replace them with glasses that merge with body piercings. These glasses are anchored to your face via face studs on your nose or head so that you don’t have to worry about the ear frames. While the idea may have merit, the image it conjures is frankly a creepy one, not to mention painful. Personally, I think I’d rather just have glasses that can easily be taken off and that I don’t have to disfigure my face to wear.

Patent: Birth by Centrifugal Force

Patented 1965

While the idea behind this device is a good one-that is, to make the birthing process on the mother, the method is something akin to a weird torture device, though it shouldn’t hurt. The mechanism has the mother strapped into it, by iron straps no less (this should throw up a warning light right away!) and then the woman is steadily swung in wide circles that are meant to help with the woman’s natural contractions to expel the baby faster and easier. The baby is pushed into a soft, warm basket rather than into the hands of a doctor or nurse and then the mother can get off her ride and feeling sick on top of exhausted. While the inventors’ hearts were no doubt in the right place, I think I’d opt for the old fashioned way of giving birth instead of being spun around.

Patent: Portable Nuclear Shelter

Patented 1986

Nuclear fallout shelters tend to be very expensive because of the materials needed, plus the fact that they normally have to be a decent size in order to hold you, your family, and your things. However, if you need to pinch your pennies, then you can buy the portable nuclear shelter. The portable nuclear shelter is a dome which goes over someone sitting in a hole in the ground with flaps for air filters and a built in water supply (er…? We don’t want to know…). Quite possibly the most useless patent on Earth, this will protect nothing but your wallet and you’ll look absolutely ridiculous to boot.

Patent: Bunny Syringe

Patented 1967

Getting your kids a shot is one of the worst experiences of daily life with a child. Sure you know that the vaccination is a good thing, but your child hates the pain, you hate the tears, and it’s an all around miserable experience. So, with this in mind, the bunny syringe was patented. This syringe is shaped like a smiling rabbit with a long nose where the needle is. The idea is to distract your child with a funny animal which is also giving him a shot. It’s the thought that counts, but it’s unlikely that any child will be fooled.

Patent: Goose Head

Patented 1991

The goose head allows hunters to turn themselves into a living bird decoy. It’s a plastic goose head and neck that goes on a cap you wear and is complete with a long white cape which can be made to look vaguely like wings. Hunters having difficulty catching birds can ‘think goose’ and bob their heads a little and flap their ‘wings’ a little to put the birds at ease. I would be absolutely terrified if I was a bird and saw a goose with an orange vest that stands at around six feet, but I’m not a hunter or a bird, so what do I know?

Patent: A Way to Detect Icebergs in the Fog

Sometime in 1885

The ability to detect icebergs is very important, as so many sunken ships from iceberg collisions can attest to. Therefore, it’s not at all surprising that a lot of inventors have put their energies towards finding ways to detect bergs before they are on top of you. One method was put forth in 1885 and actually seemed to work for a time. The method is to shoot a blank from a musket and then listen for the echoes. The idea was that the sound of the musket would bounce off any objects and return to the shooter, giving you an idea of how close an object, like a berg, is. Although effective at short distances (up to a quarter mile), it’s not very efficient. Still, for the times, it was heralded as a marvelous though invention and it was postulated that if you could attach a speaking trumpet to the device, you’d get even clearer echoes and thus have a better idea where the bergs are. We have all manner of devices now that are more efficient, but you have to feel some pride in the fact that this system would actually work and could save lives.

Patent: The Gravimoter Roller Skate

Sometime in 1884

It’s not entirely certain what a ‘gravimoter’ is, but this patent does show the beginnings of the modern day roller skate. The design was dreamed up by T.P. and J.B. Hall, Canadians, who created a motor vehicle for skating on streets. The device works by utilizing the weight of the rider in moving the wheels. You throw your weight on the foot rest to make the wheels turn and then take your weight off to stop moving. You have to move your feet alternately in order to get anywhere. This is kind of an interesting piece of roller skate history, but of course, we’ve modernized since then. Still, the basic concept has yet to die out, so this is workable, though I wouldn’t suggest trying it.

Patent: Tape Worm Trap

Filed sometime in 1854

Tape worms are revolting and they cause a great deal of medical misery for both the patient and the doctor. The removal of this parasite is never comfortable, but with the patent of the Tape Worm Trap in 1855, discomfort took on a whole new scope. The Tape Worm trap is a piece of food put on a long string inside a tube and then swallowed by the patient who has been fasting for 5-7 days in order to lure the worm into the stomach or further. When the tape worm goes after the bait, it’s trapped and then pulled out through the mouth by the doctor. Now, you may be picturing a fishing trip in your stomach and feeling ill, but according to Scientific America circa 1855, this method was done on a patient and the successful removal of a fifty foot long worm from a patient saved his life. Still, ugh.

Patent: Anti-Eating Face Mask

Patent Number/filing date: 434424, filed in 1980

Having trouble losing weight because you can’t stop eating? Well, instead of learning some will power or eating less fatty foods, try the anti-eating face mask! No, this isn’t a joke. The anti-eating face mask is a cup shaped apparatus that is placed over your mouth and chin. It is made with a hard material with breathing slits. Its purpose is to make you less likely to eat anything in front of you because you have something over your mouth preventing you from eating it. It probably doesn’t come as a shock to you that this didn’t fly in the consumer market. After all, what’s preventing you from simply taking off the silly thing? Actually, a better question is, why would you be seen wearing it in the first place?

Patent: Electrostatically Enhanced Game

Patent Number/filing date: 4553748, filed in 1983

Ignoring the fact that ‘electrostatically’ isn’t a real word, the concept itself is strange. Are you tired of winning games and getting a cute graphic or some music? Would you prefer to get some ‘charge’ from your game? Well, this patent, had it gone through, would have allowed for the creation of games that give low level static jolts to winners that are enough to make your hair stand on end, but not so much as to cause damage. The idea stemmed from a game in which you would be rabbit hunting and if you missed, the rabbit fired on you which would result in a electric jolt. (This game is for real!) Unfortunately, this jolt could actually be dangerous, go figure, so some inventor decided to tweak it so that you only get a safe jolt which makes your hair stand on end. Unsurprisingly, you won’t find anything like this on the shelves. Who wants to get jolted as a reward?

Patent: Tricycle Lawnmower

Patent number/filing date: 4455816, filed in 1982

Do you want to get your kids used to the idea of mowing the lawn before they have the chance to fight back? Well, this patent was meant to make lawn mowing fun by, well, making the lawnmower the shape of a tricycle. All right, that’s not entirely fair. The tricycle lawnmower is probably not meant to be operated by children at all, but the idea is that you mow the lawn by pedaling which cuts out the use of gasoline or electricity in your mower. Instead, you get to sit as though in a riding mower, but without the pollution. Sound idea? Well, maybe if it hadn’t been packaged like a child’s toy, you might see more of these on the shelves. As is, I’m afraid we’re stuck with either gas or a push mower.